Today I had lunch with a wise 80-year-old man who shared with me the keys to his happy (second) marriage. I paraphrase.- Kindness and thoughtfulness are the substance of loving one another. We always try to be nice and helpful to each other. We ask, “What does this person need?” As a partner she truly wants to empower me to do what I like to do and make me thrive. I feel the same about her.
- On the flip side, neither of us is selfish or narcissistic, but other-oriented. We think: What’s good for the relationship; how do we build it up?
- We enjoy doing the same things together. There are 5-7 activities we enjoy together -- e.g., having dinner with another couple, going to the opera, symphonies, theater, travel, golf; and she loves for me to take her to historic places, battlegrounds. She enjoys what I think about and do, as I enjoy her.
- Even though we have different temperaments, we can accommodate our differences with ease and not much friction.
- In our second marriage, and even while we were dating, we made it clear to our kids that WE were the Rock of Gibraltar, the primary unit in the family. That's never changed.
- She is a good manager of her life – organized, on time, and keeps spending within a budget.
- Good sex is an important part of bonding but by itself it will not sustain the marriage.
- We work as a team and present a united front in public. She does not roll her eyes when I want to leave the party.
If you knew these things, you wouldn’t need a marriage counselor, would you? This insider info comes from psychologist Karen Sherman and from psychotherapist Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair.
- Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.
- A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble.
- Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
- Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.
- Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.
- There are marital breaches worse than an affair -- e.g., consistent financial infidelity.
- A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to “be happy.” That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.
Tom Tierney, co-author of Give Smart, had a couple of observations about good partnerships on his book tour:
- In a good partnership, both people share the same vision, the same goal, and also share the strategic direction to reach to goal.
- In a good partnership, both people enjoy a fruitful, mutually respectful relationship of equals.
My good friend Kay Gillespie weighed in with the importance of peace in a partnership. Home is not without its issues, but it is peaceful and conducive to well-being.
The following article is a great summary of what makes a 40-year+ marriage happy.
